“Hey, you can’t go in there!” screams the neighbor. I respond, “It’s okay, I’m a real estate agent,” you know, like I am a superhero or something. “Stand back,” I say as I wield my enormous bolt cutters to chop the chain and huge lock from around the solid wood gate.  Little did I realize that the chain was all that was holding it up and the entire thing falls forward into the street with a loud crash. 

The previously hidden mess inside is now revealed for all to see. The neighbor and I stand there staring.  There are numerous junk vehicles with trash of every kind piled up six feet high along the entire length of the property.  There is no way for me to reach the house itself without crawling over things.  I was sorely tempted until I saw broken glass sticking out of a rubbish bag. The neighbor just shakes her head and walks away. 

This is a bank-owned property. I notify the Asset Manager and hire a junk removal company.  After an entire week of hauling, and several thousand dollars, the property is cleared and I have access to the two-story home. As I drive back to the property I prepare myself for the horrors that no doubt await me inside.  

My neighbor friend is there to greet me again with her list of grievances regarding the property.  “Why did the bank leave it like this for so long?  How much longer do we have to live next door to this? There are rats and you need to put up a fence to keep them from coming over to my house.” I patiently explain that a fence is not going to stop any rats, but she is not listening. I promise to do whatever I can. I tell her that I am going to get the property sold and she will not have to deal with the eyesore anymore. I ask her to please give me a little time. It will be awesome. 

As I walk through the house I am not surprised to see that it is completely trashed. There is what looks like petrified dog feces and rat carcasses everywhere and every window is cracked or completely missing. Everything that can be removed is gone including the toilets. Who takes used toilets? 

When I am ready to go upstairs I find that there are no interior stairs and I have to go outside to take the exterior stairs to the second floor. Just as well because I need a moment to get some air.  Sadly the second floor is even worse than the first.  There is no flooring and I am walking on filthy, bare plywood. There is a tree growing through a window and huge holes in every wall. All light fixtures are gone and there are electrical wires hanging everywhere. I find a tiny little room with a propped-up rifle with the barrel sticking out the window. Interesting.  

I just cannot figure out why this room is so tiny. Is this not where the stairs should be?  Wait, but is this a legal duplex? That can’t be in this neighborhood.

I go back downstairs to look at the area just beneath this little room. There is only a wall there. Around the wall is the bathroom. I am stumped.  

At the initial inspection of an REO property, I am required to take photos of every square inch of the place including inside the attic, under the house, inside cabinets, etc.  I go through the house, take pictures, and open all the cabinet doors and drawers. When I get back to the bathroom downstairs I opened the narrow door to the bathroom linen closet. Something doesn’t look right. Shining the flash from my cell phone, I can see there is a trap door behind the shelving. I carefully squeeze through and find a beautifully designed “grow room” complete with dead plants, an alarm system, and more guns. 

Planning for the day we go on the market, I thoroughly enjoy hacking open a huge hole in the living room drywall so the grow room is easily visible to potential buyers.  Telling them to crawl through trap doors would be a bit much. 

As I meet the police outside to turn over the guns, I offer the neighbor the opportunity to come inside and see all the awesomely gross and insane things in the house.  She declines.  “Really? Why in hell would I want to see that?  You’re crazy!”  

It took some time but the place was cleaned up and finally sold to a flipper who completely renovated it. The transformation was truly amazing.  

I saw the neighbor in the grocery store the other day. She smiled at me. Awesome.